Sooooo……2013. Wow. I don’t know where to start. I literally do not know how to write a review of the year in pop culture without it sounding like a suicide note.
Pop culture is now moving faster than the speed of light. The masses get worked up and angry or excited about something and then completely forget all about it within a 24 hour news cycle. Fortunately, we have Lifetime TV movie re-tellings of these stories to help us to remember, but so many things that happen never achieve that status, and they are totally forgotten. That’s why I know who Jodi Arias is, but I’m not sure if there is still a war going on in Syria or if the USA is involved in it or if their dictator is hot.
Social media serves to keep us distracted, divided and disorganized. What we used to call “the news” is now just an endless hit parade of disposable narratives that cater to our rapidly decreasing attention spans.
We the People are increasingly disenfranchised, and we have been tricked into thinking that our ability to “like” or retweet or upvote something actually means that we have some level of participation within this monoculture which is continually shoved down our throats. In the 1960s, we had marches and demonstrations and “free expression” as vehicles to make our voices heard; in 2013 we have the comments section on YouTube.
We have become oblivious to anything happening around us that would require looking up from our smartphone for more than a few seconds. Reality is something we only understand when it has been reflected to us through the glow of our screens.
So here is my take on 2013. I am serving it to you straight, no chaser. The world didn’t end in 2012 as prophesized, but as we look back on 2013, I kind of wish that it had.
I am starting the Guns, Gays & Ganja Party, and I am nominating Willie Nelson for President.
GAY MARRIAGE & WEED– They are both basically legal now, right? The Supreme Court decided that? Sorry, any time I read anything about the Supreme Court, I just end up getting lost in Chief Justice Roberts dreamy eyes… Anyway, I do know that Macklemore definitely recorded a really important record about gay rights and I guess that is what influenced the Supreme Court’s decisions on Prop 8 and DOMA. I kind of think Macklemore should have chosen to do a song about a cause that affected him more personally, like being born with fetal alcohol syndrome or something, but whatever it takes to get the job done.
I would show you my Macarena tattoo, but it’s totally NSFW
THE HARLEM SHAKE — Remember those 14 seconds in February when it was all about the Harlem Shake? Boy, that was a wacky afternoon, wasn’t it? But within 24 hours of its existence, the Today Show had already ruined it. Literally everybody on the planet had uploaded their own version–Army troops, collegiate women’s rugby teams, Oprah, even the ghost of Brittany Murphy. The Harlem Shake is an actual dance style, but nobody actually learned it. I have watched 10,000 versions of this meme and I could not tell you how to do the Harlem shake. But I can tell you where you can score some good shake in Harlem.
“If you think these guns are are amazing, you should see the ones I use to shoot people with!”
SEXY ASS CRIMINALS — If you wanted to get fame and notoriety in 2013, a good way to achieve that was to be a criminal who was also guilty of being fine as hell. South African Olympic star Oscar Pistorius and/or disgraced NFL hot thug Aaron Hernandez can shoot me in the face any time, if you know what I mean. When I saw Boston bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev’s Rolling Stone cover, I thought he was maybe some cute new member of The Strokes. I might have actually listened to their album this year if he was! And then there’s Edward Snowden–sexiest geek of the year. There was a lot of debate as to whether Snowden is a patriot or a traitor, but I think it’s safe to say we can all agree that he is a total hottie.
Soon we won’t even need KizBop, because all of the hot urban jams will already be recorded by white children.
WHITEWASHING OF OF “URBAN” RADIO – White artists dominated the “R&B” and “Hip-Hop” charts all year. “Urban” radio was dominated by the likes of Justin Timberlake, Lorde, Eminem, Robin Thicke, Katy Perry, Macklemore and Miley, among others. Really, the best thing that happened in R&B this year was the TLC movie on VH1, because it reminded everyone about how TLC was the greatest thing ever and that R&B used to be amazing. Where is the TLC of today? Who is there to advise the youth of the dangers of waterfalls and scrubs? Who am I to turn to when I am feeling Unpretty? We don’t even have a 702 or SWV, for crying out loud. This is the era we are living in, people. Sometimes I need to be told something by a group of strong black women in order to believe it, and there just wasn’t anyone really speaking to me on that level in 2013.
Hey Paula–what the heil were you thinking???
PAULA DEEN — I am personally not even that angry about any of her comments–I say worse all things the time about way more races than just black people, but I am outraged that she would be so dumb to go on the record as a confirmed racist, UNDER OATH. Dear Paula, if the only thing you use more regularly than butter is the N-word, DO NOT SHARE THAT INFORMATION IN A DEPOSITION. It is okay to lie under oath if it’s about being racist, everybody knows that. Next time, bake the opposing counsel some freaking scones instead and tell them that you voted for Obama, or at least Herman Cain. Who are her lawyers? Who was advising her? One of the dangerous things about being batshit crazy is you have a tendency to surround yourself with equally crazy people.
Government Shutdown: too bad it was only temporary.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN — At one point, our government became literally to insane to function, and shut itself down. The USA was on the brink of defaulting on their debts, which would have caused a meltdown in the global economy and plunged the world into anarchy. Seems like a missed opportunity to me.
If the Catholic Church formally asked me to get jiggy with it, I would seriously think about saying yes.
A NEW POPE – Ex-Nazi Pope Benedict decided being God’s #1 man on Planet Earth was kind of a drag, so he quit. At first, people were unsure about his replacement, but Pope Francis seems like a real laid-back dude. And in the midst of the papal crisis, we learned there might be this like, gay mafia cabal running things at the Vatican, which is so hot. Plus there’s this calendar of sexy Catholic priests and now I am kind of thinking of converting, even though I really don’t want to let down my fellow Branch Davidians.
MILEYGATE — Let me just spell this out for you real quick. Like so many other American manufacturing companies, the foam finger industry peaked in the 1980s. Alan Thicke, beloved 80s sitcom star and 80s sitcom theme song composer, is invested in Fauss Industries, the only publicly traded company that manufactures foam fingers. He also sits on their board of directors. With Fauss stocks failing, he needed a way to, erm, stimulate foam finger sales so he could cash in on his investments. Enter Robin Thicke, Alan’s son and lead singer of the popular date rape hit “Blurred Lines.” The Thickes cut a deal with media puppet master Miley Cyrus and teamed up for their now infamous VMA performance. Halloween was just around the corner, foam finger sales jumped 3000% in one month, and now you know why Alan Thicke is twerking all the way to the bank.
“What do you want to do tonight, Kim?”
“Anything that will continue to make everyone hate us but still shower us with all of their money, Kanye.”
KIMYE – When two deeply narcissistic, ruthlessly materialistic media parasites find each other and fall in love, you can’t help but fall for their heartwarming tabloid fairy tale. Kanye released a Nine Inch Nails album that was better than the actual Nine Inch Nails album that came out this year. Later, Kanye celebrated the spirit of the tech industry’s douchebagization of San Francisco by renting AT&T Park and proposing to Kim in a giant media spectacle–and then sued the co-founder of Youtube for helping to make it a media spectacle.
LORDE: Born in the 90s or 90 years old?
LORDE – Wake up people! Lorde is lying to you about everything! She claims to be a 16 year old pop whiz, but just by looking at her face you can tell she is at least 25. And when you listen to her rant about other pop stars you realize she has the cynicism of someone who is at least 34. She informs us that “we can never be royals” and then in the next breath proclaims herself “your ruler” and “Queen Bee.” SHE CALLS HERSELF “LORDE!!” She denounces materialism, but that is just her sales pitch to get you to give her money in exchange for the disposable pop commodity she is selling.
Only the Olympic divers who are actually straight need worry about confirming their sexuality.
GAY ATHLETES — I guess it’s great that athletes like Jason Collins and Tom Daley came out this year, but to me it doesn’t really matter because in my imagination all hot male athletes are already doing gay things with each other.
Trap Music: This year’s fun sub-genre to pretend that you know about.
A$AP FERG – “SHABBA” — Not since “Rack City” have I gotten so obsessed with a hip-hop jam. I don’t care if Shabba Ranks was a homophobe or responsible for accidentally inventing reggaeton. This “trap” track glorifying the Jamaican star was so inspirational that I went out and got 4 gold chains, one gold tooth and everything. So fuck that wedding DJ that refused to play this song, no matter how many times I requested it. You know who you are you and you know why I did what I did to your car.
Edward Snowden: responsible for so many leaks…in my pants!
YOU ARE BEING SPIED ON, ALWAYS – For a decade now, I have been saying everyone is being spied on constantly by an intelligence apparatus that has gone out of control and answers to no authority besides itself, and nobody cared. In 2013, Edward Snowden confirmed all this was true, and apparently most people still don’t care. The FBI confirmed they can activate the camera on your laptop without your knowing, but nobody cares. Privacy is apparently #irrelevant. At the very least, I wish the NSA would supply me with the transcripts of my late night phone chats with my BFF Michelle because that would be hilarious to read over. I say some crazy shit for sure! Anyway, I’ve wasted too much time on the subject since nobody cares, and only the NSA is still reading this article.
The post Giving the Finger to 2013: A Look Back At The Year In Culture appeared first on The Impersonals.
