Okay, for today’s Grammy breakdown I’m taking a look at the Best New Artist category. Which is gonna be awesome, because Milli Vanilli once won this award, so basically everyone nominated is totally fair game for ridicule.
You see, the Best New Artist category has long been known to be “jinxed.” Some even say it is “cursed.” For every winner who actually rose to infamy, like Mariah Carey or The Beatles, you have a plethora of Paula Coles or Hooties and the Blowfishes. It’s not that easy to marry the billionaire CEO of your record label like Mariah, or to have your career bankrolled by British intelligence operatives like The Beatles. To give you some context about just how Irrelelvant this category really is, keep in mind that the 2011 winner for Best New Artist was Esperanza Spaulding, while literally trillions of Americans were/are collectively asking, “WHO THE EFF IS THAT???”
CATEGORY: BEST NEW ARTIST
The Alabama Shakes
Fun.
Hunter Hayes
The Lumineers
Frank Ocean
“So here’s my number, call me maybe…lol jk my real song you’ve never actually heard before.”
First off, I am sorry, but I do not even get Alabama Shakes or The Alabama Shakes or WHATEVER. I mean, I understand that they are “groove oriented” and “rootsy” and “very hip and cool,” but when I listen to their jams all I can think is that they probably were invented explicitly for the purpose of playing during pledge drives for NPR or KCRW. I listened to their Best Rock Performance (what the FUCK is up with these vague categories, Grammys?) nominated song, “Hold On,” and I will say my favorite thing about this song is that there is a new black lady singer who sounds a lot like a man. It made me really miss my homegirl Tracy Chapman (Best New Artist 1989).
No, seriously, we are Fun.
Fun. is one of those bands whose names have some kind of weird formatting, which is usually something bands do to distract you from the fact that their music is not very good. However, this is not necessarily the case when it comes to Fun. because I am a sucker for a power ballad. “We Are Young” is a super huge power ballad of the highest order, but the problem with power ballad bands is that they are usually one-trick ponies. Sure, everyone loves “More Than Words,” but does anyone want to hear Extreme “rock out?” Does anyone believe that power ballad bands are even capable of “rocking out?” Do Fun. “rock?” Does anyone want to type out the band name “Fun.” with a period, and continue to write sentences after each mention? I certainly do not.
(Click here for The Impersonals review of Fun.’s album by Eric Taylor)
Brooke Candy: “Is Hunter Hayes the name of the cockroach I ate for breakfast?”
Hunter Hayes is on the nominations list, and he is probably a 21 year old country pop sensation. He probably has like, a gazillion tween fans (and their moms!). I am probably not gonna listen any of his “songs” or appreciate his “music.” He probably could be literally eaten for lunch by the kind of crazy bitches I think should have been nominated as Best New Artist, such as Brooke Candy or Mykki Blanco, just so I could see what they wore to the Grammys. I am probably gonna go ahead and say Hunter is not gonna win, and will probably not be anybody anyone ever talks about in 2 years, just like Esperanza Spaulding (I’m sorry, just to remind you, she won Best New Artist in 2011, I mentioned her a few paragraphs ago but she is just THAT forgettable).
Django Rechained: the Rise of the Confederate Hipster
Oh goodie, now I get to talk about The Lumineers. And, in doing so, I get to begin part 1 of my rant against the insidious style of music which has been called “Civil War Wave,” “Americanacore,” or “Confederate-step.” Bands like The Lumineers (or Mumford and The Sons who will I cover in Part 2 of this rant) channel the sound of roots American folk music and the feeling of a bygone era where people shat in outhouses, women couldn’t vote or have teeth, and the negroes knew their place in this world yes they did. I do not understand the origins of this dark and sinister cultural movement which salutes the rustic late 1800s fashion and culture and which has gained so much mainstream acceptance despite being really boring. But I know that it must be stopped. And it is gonna take more than a glamorous movie about Lincoln. If hipster Confederates like The Lumineers, Mumford et al. are allowed to be pop stars, then we are opening the gates to allow hipster Amish, hipster Gold Rushers, and hipster Reconstructionist bands to take over the world. At this rate, Best Historical Rock Album will be a Grammy category by 2015.
“This shit is bandanas!”
Frank Ocean is the world’s most famous gay r&b singer, and he is probably going to win this award. The Critics love him because he likes to sing r&b songs but doesn’t care about writing anything partiuclarly catchy; the Industry loves him because it turns out that black gay r&b is kind of marketable even though his songs aren’t that memorable; and the Fans (I guess even including me) love him because infamous r&b crackhead Chris Brown tried to beat him up in a fight, but Frank Ocean basically kicked his ass (according to black gossip websites which I read religiously). This marked the first time anyone had ever stood up to Chris Brown, who is known for being a terrible bully as well as Rihanna’s abusive and on-again/off-again boyfriend. I also give Frank Ocean props for being gay in the black music business, which isn’t easy—otherwise Kanye would have come out years ago! Anyway, I am sure Frank Ocean is someone who we will be talking about forever and ever. lol jk he is probably the next Jody Watley (Best New Artist 1988).
Okay, I am gonna go check on Esperanza Spaulding, because I doubt anyone has done that in awhile.
Read Pete’s Grammy Guide, Part 1, here
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